I was caught out the other day by a really difficult question.
If you had to teach your daughter one thing, what would it be?
I like these sorts of questions because they force me to think about what is important and what isn’t.
It has taken me about two weeks to get to the answer which will be the subject of this article.
I believe that success – however you choose to define it – can be measured by the ratio of positive habits versus negative habits. Put simply, if you have lots of positive habits and few negative ones, you’ll probably be happier and more successful than if it was the other way round.
What proportion of good habits do you have versus bad habits?
Where do you sit on the line below and more importantly which direction are you moving in?
We are creatures of habit. Habits make it easy for us to do things on autopilot without thinking. This creates freedom for us to think and to manage more than one task at once.
There are a number of great books on Habits. Specifically, ‘Making Habits, Breaking Habits’ by Jeremy Dean and ‘The Power of Habit’ by Charles Duhigg – both are on Blinkist if you want the key messages.
These books will give you a deeper understanding of how and why we make habits. It will form useful context for the following.
I want to focus on how we break bad habits because I think that this is what people struggle with and an area where I can offer the most value.
The following are techniques that people use to break habits. Try one of them, try a combination, try all of them. The point is to try experimenting on yourself till you find one or a combination that works for you.
Going Cold Turkey – The first technique is ‘going cold turkey’. Just stopping completely. This requires tremendous willpower to break a bad habit but sometimes does work if people are committed enough. If you were a smoker, this would mean stopping immediately.
Weaning Off – This is where you focus on a gradual decline in the behavior. It’s also difficult because it is always tempting to put off the ‘weaning’ till after the weekend, or even tomorrow… but then tomorrow never comes. If you were a smoker this would mean a gradual reduction in the number of cigarettes you smoke per day. I think that in order for this to work, you need to set daily limits for the habit so you can graph a gradual reduction.
Social Pressure – Tell people that you are going to do it and get them to hold you to account. One of the biggest things that kept me motivated through Commando training was having told people that this was what I wanted to do. I couldn’t lie to myself and quit saying I didn’t want to be a Royal Marine because that was rubbish. I’d set my stall out for what I was going to do and didn’t want to break my word. This is one of the few ways in which Facebook can be used positively. Make a statement of commitment publicly – you’ll be surprised how likely you are to keep it.
Substitution – Take the bad habit and substitute it with something else. This is what E-Cigarettes do for smokers. If you can replace the reward you get from the bad habit with something else that is ‘less bad’ – you’re more likely to break it.
Use data to clarify actual performance – Food diaries, weighing ourselves daily, taking photos of ourselves are ways in which we can use data and fact to help break bad habits. By simply writing down what you eat everyday and sharing it with someone, you can really challenge whether or not you are eating healthily or not. Exercise diaries do the same thing.
Understand the Habit – Why do you do what you do? Why do you have this bad habit? What is the trigger and what is the reward for it?
Let’s say you’re concerned about how much alcohol you drink, you just have a feeling that it is a bit too much… Do you ever come home from a stressful day at work and pour a glass of wine? Do you tell yourself that you deserve it?
This is an example of a trigger (stressful day at work) – the behaviour/habit (drinking wine) – followed by the reward (feeling more relaxed).
Trigger – Behaviour – Reward
Wine can be replaced with food in this instance – this is called comfort eating. A photo of you by the fridge might be enough to break the reward of this behaviour.
If you understand what causes you to take the path to this habit. What happens before and the reward you get from it, you will gain a deeper understanding of the habit – which you can then use to break it.
It might be easier to explore the long-term effect of the habit. Where will it take you?
What does a life of bad habits lead to?
As a generation, we’re pretty arrogant when it comes to sleep. I used to think this to some extent. It’s easy to assume that sleep is for the lazy and something that gets in the way of us doing more.
People used to talk about Bill Clinton and his ability to perform off five hours sleep per night. An interesting role model – look at him now, after he had his heart attack. We can perform like this in the short-term but we pay for it in the long-term.
Breaking bad habits is probably one of the toughest challenges you can undertake. You don’t need to get this right first time.
But you only need to do it once. Once you’ve done it once and not relapsed you can do it again… and again. This will see you improve your performance and give you an enormous sense of accomplishment that you can take to other areas of your life.
I’ll finish with a really simple example that has made a significant difference to me.
I used to keep my phone by my bed. I used the alarm function to wake me up in the morning. But what I found was that I kept checking Facebook (waste of time) or the News or my e-mails. Then I’d struggle to sleep.
This seems so ridiculous as I am writing it but it was a habit I had created that was unhelpful. This year, I decided that I was going to leave the phone in another room – simply by moving the charger. I wasn’t going to let technology control my behaviour or have an impact on my sleep.
I’ve substituted wasting time on my phone for reading which definitely helps me sleep. This is an example of something simple that I’ve done that has helped me sleep better and read more through a combination of ‘cold turkey’ and ‘substitution’.
These worked for me. It’s been a month now since my phone spent the night next to my bed – it’s been replaced by a £4 Casio alarm clock.
So, which direction are you moving on the line?
What habits do you want to build/break?
Experiment. Find out what works for you. The 80% plan that works is always better than the 100% plan that fails so don’t pressurise yourself to get this right first time and ‘be perfect’.
Good Luck. If you nail this, you’ll be able to change your own behaviour and create your own success – and I believe that this is the most important lesson I can teach my daughter.
If you would like me to deliver a short talk on this subject – please don’t hesitate to get in touch and discuss it with me. [email protected]